Baby Shoes, Little Doggies*
Feb. 4th, 2011 03:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
familyvaluesWe’re getting the house ready enough for Audrey’s mom to come help us organize on Sunday. She’s never been to our place, and we aren’t tidy people. I’m not someone with boundless physical energy, so I’m taking a deep breath and prioritizing, and getting over my bad self to ask for help. Audrey’s mom, however, is a good organizer, and offered. So I need at least to make it so that it can be organized at all.
We are not ready, we will never be ready. I can imagine being up in the night with a crying infant but I know I'll be overwhelmed when it happens. I’m looking at the spot the 40-pound dog of my heart spends her nights in, tucked up against my chest or belly between me and the edge of the bed, and knowing we need to work something out so that she’s not between me and the baby when he’s in his bassinet next to the bed. (Though honestly, that might not be an issue, Audrey will be living here for long enough that he might be out of a bassinet and in his crib by the time he’s spending nights in my room, in which case I’ll only need to work out a way not to get wholly hemmed in by the total of 150 lbs of dog that sleeps in my bed every night.)
Which brings me to: Audrey is moving in soon. We will all three (then four, when the baby comes, unless you add the dogs, which will make seven, with the chickens remaining outside) be living in this small house for a small-few weeks prior to the baby’s arrival, and a few months afterward, while Audrey breastfeeds and we all bond.
Some people are a bit surprised that we aren’t all living together already, or don’t plan to for a long time afterward, but we all like privacy and space, Casey and Audrey especially, so though we harbor dreams of sharing some sort of larger, more separable physical space one day, we aren’t making those plans for Soon. In the meantime, I’m quite sure we’ll continue to get along fine, especially once the house is a little tidier.
I’m also starting to feel the bumps as Coming Out As A Poly Family to people who will know, or need to know, but seriously won’t get it. For instance: We have gone to the same pharmacy for years, with pharmacists and assistants who have known us well. It’s one reason we like it. This pharmacy sold us Clomid when I tried to get pregnant, they know we’ve tried, and couldn’t, or didn’t. And in a couple of months, I’ll wander in there to pick up my medications and I’ll have an infant in a sling, and he will be on our insurance, he will be Ours.
It feels disingenuous to say, "Oh, we adopted him." I mean, I will -- but he’s Casey’s biological son, and all-of-our son, it’s not quite the same as adoption. It feels fake not to say, "Our family is complicated, and …." People want to know, this is new and interesting to them. Folks at the dog park know danged well I haven’t been pregnant, and I’ll be wandering in there with a baby. They come from all sorts of backgrounds, and it’s a social place, we converse. I’m not afraid of their judgement, it’s just that socially, there will need to be some sort of explanations, and I’m not sure what to say.
What do you do? What do you say? How do you respond?
If you have no idea, but could share this post with other people who have been through remotely similar situations, I’d love to get a variety of ideas.
- Mary
*The title came with the photo. I think it's appropriate because, well, baby, and I do mention dogs in this post. ;)
I love these shoes, and if you click through and look at the profile there, you'll see that the maker sells the pattern. I am hoping to make baby shoes with her patterns. If you have scrap cloth that would be cute and would like to make us (or other kids) shoes like that, we'd be fine with it, as we want to support her cute shoe business.
**Yes, he has an alarm on his phone
In IM today:
Casey: 35 weeks** ;)
Me: yes :D
Me: Think of it this way: 4-6 weeks to go
Me: TOTAL
Casey: Yarr. :)
We are not ready, we will never be ready. I can imagine being up in the night with a crying infant but I know I'll be overwhelmed when it happens. I’m looking at the spot the 40-pound dog of my heart spends her nights in, tucked up against my chest or belly between me and the edge of the bed, and knowing we need to work something out so that she’s not between me and the baby when he’s in his bassinet next to the bed. (Though honestly, that might not be an issue, Audrey will be living here for long enough that he might be out of a bassinet and in his crib by the time he’s spending nights in my room, in which case I’ll only need to work out a way not to get wholly hemmed in by the total of 150 lbs of dog that sleeps in my bed every night.)
Which brings me to: Audrey is moving in soon. We will all three (then four, when the baby comes, unless you add the dogs, which will make seven, with the chickens remaining outside) be living in this small house for a small-few weeks prior to the baby’s arrival, and a few months afterward, while Audrey breastfeeds and we all bond.
Some people are a bit surprised that we aren’t all living together already, or don’t plan to for a long time afterward, but we all like privacy and space, Casey and Audrey especially, so though we harbor dreams of sharing some sort of larger, more separable physical space one day, we aren’t making those plans for Soon. In the meantime, I’m quite sure we’ll continue to get along fine, especially once the house is a little tidier.
I’m also starting to feel the bumps as Coming Out As A Poly Family to people who will know, or need to know, but seriously won’t get it. For instance: We have gone to the same pharmacy for years, with pharmacists and assistants who have known us well. It’s one reason we like it. This pharmacy sold us Clomid when I tried to get pregnant, they know we’ve tried, and couldn’t, or didn’t. And in a couple of months, I’ll wander in there to pick up my medications and I’ll have an infant in a sling, and he will be on our insurance, he will be Ours.
It feels disingenuous to say, "Oh, we adopted him." I mean, I will -- but he’s Casey’s biological son, and all-of-our son, it’s not quite the same as adoption. It feels fake not to say, "Our family is complicated, and …." People want to know, this is new and interesting to them. Folks at the dog park know danged well I haven’t been pregnant, and I’ll be wandering in there with a baby. They come from all sorts of backgrounds, and it’s a social place, we converse. I’m not afraid of their judgement, it’s just that socially, there will need to be some sort of explanations, and I’m not sure what to say.
What do you do? What do you say? How do you respond?
If you have no idea, but could share this post with other people who have been through remotely similar situations, I’d love to get a variety of ideas.
- Mary
*The title came with the photo. I think it's appropriate because, well, baby, and I do mention dogs in this post. ;)
I love these shoes, and if you click through and look at the profile there, you'll see that the maker sells the pattern. I am hoping to make baby shoes with her patterns. If you have scrap cloth that would be cute and would like to make us (or other kids) shoes like that, we'd be fine with it, as we want to support her cute shoe business.
**Yes, he has an alarm on his phone
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-04 11:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-04 11:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-04 11:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-04 11:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 12:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-06 07:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-06 07:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-04 11:32 pm (UTC)I used to belong to a gym, and went there 3-5 days a week. I'd chat with various employees about the Giants, about the weather, about their vacations and mine. I recall one woman who didn't blanch when I said something about my boyfriend's wife, but when I said that I was going out to dinner with my boyfriend's wife, she couldn't grok we could be friends, rather than me being a dirty little secret.
Of course, as a child, I'd often mention "my moms" and the response would range from not noticing to extreme confusion. I expect your son will experience that, too.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 12:15 am (UTC)(Really, I think you'll come up with your elevator speech about this and it'll be one that works for the three of you. I've been there and done that - with most people you don't need more then the super short version. They get it or they don't, but they don't need more data.)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 12:17 am (UTC)(and, for those curious, there's un-father, bio-dad, Dad, Mom, evil-step-monster and new step-Mom... cause Daddy's dead and Mommy's a lesbian, and it was confusing before that.)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-06 07:33 pm (UTC)In my family, we often call ourselves The Village, as in, "you know how it takes a village to raise a child? Well, we're The Village."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-04 11:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-04 11:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-04 11:54 pm (UTC)It's not a queer family, but one with a similarly unique and biologically and socially complicated situation.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/magazine/02babymaking-t.html
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 03:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 12:24 am (UTC)(yah, it's really hard when neither adoption nor surrogacy are really accurate)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 05:24 am (UTC)In social situations I generally just say "my daughters have three parents."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 05:44 am (UTC)Oh heck, DW doesn't allow you to edit comments, do they?
So I'm thinking about the drugstore example and what questions you're likely to get. The first one is probably something along the lines of, "Oh, what a cute baby! Is she yours?" or "Where did you get him?" I always find the questions with embedded assumptions like the latter to be hardest to field.
So I think my biggest piece of advice is to be ready for people not to ask, but assume. Have a stock answer ready to sidestep all of it. Something like, "Isn't she lovely? She looks just like her other mother" or whatever -- something that completely normalizes the situation. Add a big smile.
(For me, it was figuring out how to field all the "that one's so tan!" comments. Um. Uh. Er. I finally came up with, "no, she was just born that color," and it worked like a charm.)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-06 05:42 am (UTC)Mary, you probably shouldn't take me anywhere with you and the baby for a while ;) I'll come visit at home *grins*
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-06 06:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 06:17 am (UTC)Also, I completely sympathize with you in any possible feeling of "Ohmigod we can't possibly be ready in time!" FOGcon is coming fast. Too fast. It's almost here.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 06:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 10:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 07:49 pm (UTC)It took me a while to learn to just say "I don't have a father" if people asked me about my parents, rather than getting into a much more complicated explanation. But socially, that's true, and "socially" is generally all that's relevant when it comes to family. So-called biological relationships usually seem to get used as a tool by people who want to tell you that you aren't real. Why give them the weapon?
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 07:08 am (UTC)As for timing, the baby really could come at any time. :) My midwife had her baby at 35 weeks. So it's more like 0-6 weeks!
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 07:42 am (UTC)And eek - was it her first baby?
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 07:49 am (UTC)And yes, it was her first. :) Another friend of mine (who was due within a few weeks of me) had her baby at 38 weeks. Early births are rare for first-timers, but they do happen.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 03:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 11:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-07 12:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-05 11:47 pm (UTC)I LOVE this television show from Canada called dueSouth. It is about a Mountie that comes to Chicago investigating the murder of his father, then stays on in Chicago attached to the Canadian consulate and as a semi-official partner to the native Chicago cop that partnered with him. Thing is, over several seasons, people keep noticing that he's a foreigner and they always ask what his deal is. He replies with a concise yet complete story of how he came to be there. ""Well, originally I came to Chicago on the trail of my father's killer, and due to circumstances that don't require exploring at this juncture, I have remained here as deputy liaison officer with the Canadian Consulate."
I found it funny but effective. So whenever someone questions the number and nature of the pictures of my poly family I have at work, or when I say "we have four kids" then refer to myself as David's dad exclusively, or mention "my girlfriend" as a different name in one conversation from another, I wind up getting asked.
I've found what's easy for me to rattle off, is incomplete but still complete enough, and usually shuts off further questions from people who don't need / want to know more.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-07 12:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-07 01:39 am (UTC)Family is beautiful...
Date: 2011-03-06 10:17 pm (UTC)