familyvalues (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
familyvalues) wrote2010-12-31 07:35 pm
familyvalues) wrote2010-12-31 07:35 pm
New Year's Eve 2010 - ten weeks to go
I keep saying I'm going to write something about how grateful I am for community in this blog, and so much else has been happening, so much life.
In the past month we've had one car totally die and one continue to limp along. Casey's gotten a job after having been laid off for awhile. Fortunately, it's on public transit so we'll be okay with one car for a little longer. We're looking at one of our dogs, who's been with us for a decade, getting arthritis. She's athletic and spirited and it's hard to watch, but it's part of life, this growing old thing. So we're pondering whether to medicate her with aspirin now so she can have the liver-stamina for carprofen later, or what. It's a parenting thing.
There was recently a brush rabbit in the front yard which was delightful as we're plop in the middle of a 1940s suburb and I've never seen a brush rabbit in California outside of out in The Wild. But now we can go from saying "we don't take very good care of our yard" to "we are creating wildlife habitat" and it's meaningful.
Tonight's New Year's Eve. It's been awhile since we felt the need to party on New Year's Eve. We borrow dogs and have a dog sleepover. I make trifle. It's quiet. We might fall asleep before midnight (then awaken at midnight when the local fireworks wake the dogs).
So as far as this project goes, this making a baby with two mommies and a daddy, in a home with dogs and dirt (and chickens and occasional brush rabbit, apparently), for what am I grateful?
Here it is:
On facebook recently, there was a discussion in another community, the "Mothering" one I think, and somehow, I ended up mentioning how our family works. Some people freaked out a bit. One asked why Casey and I had even bothered getting married if we're not going to be monogamous.
But a few people congratulated us, and one messaged me backchannel to say that she was part of a local queer-parenting group and that any one or two or three of us parents, and our child, were always welcome there. It was just so friendly and nice and accepting.
My niece, who is older than Audrey, told me that she simply didn't understand polyamory or what we're doing. But family's family, so she'll accept who we are and she's made Audrey one of her own. On her Christmas card to us this year, she included Audrey's name with ours.
I got to meet Audrey's grandmother, finally, a week ago. Audrey's grandmother is precious to her, and vice versa. We wanted to reassure her that we are considering Audrey in all things in this project, that Audrey's rights and needs will be protected. Indeed, to the extent possible (which is really not at all legally, but which we want to try anyway), all grandparental needs will be at least considered, and observed to the extent we can. So now I feel like we've got the family blessings to the extent I really wanted them.
I want our child to grow up not in spite of family but in a large part because of it. Our family is special. Our families are special. If we are not constantly defending ourselves and our relationship choices and our family configuration, that leaves so much more time and energy to share our strengths and gifts and love. It leaves a lot less to recover from later, and much more to be grateful for.
I hope that, twenty years from now, we (including our child) can look back, realize the challenge we took on in creating this nuclear family, and realize that we have succeeded in a large part because of the love and support of our extended families of biology and adoption, and because of the broader community we've chosen.
In the past month we've had one car totally die and one continue to limp along. Casey's gotten a job after having been laid off for awhile. Fortunately, it's on public transit so we'll be okay with one car for a little longer. We're looking at one of our dogs, who's been with us for a decade, getting arthritis. She's athletic and spirited and it's hard to watch, but it's part of life, this growing old thing. So we're pondering whether to medicate her with aspirin now so she can have the liver-stamina for carprofen later, or what. It's a parenting thing.
There was recently a brush rabbit in the front yard which was delightful as we're plop in the middle of a 1940s suburb and I've never seen a brush rabbit in California outside of out in The Wild. But now we can go from saying "we don't take very good care of our yard" to "we are creating wildlife habitat" and it's meaningful.
Tonight's New Year's Eve. It's been awhile since we felt the need to party on New Year's Eve. We borrow dogs and have a dog sleepover. I make trifle. It's quiet. We might fall asleep before midnight (then awaken at midnight when the local fireworks wake the dogs).
So as far as this project goes, this making a baby with two mommies and a daddy, in a home with dogs and dirt (and chickens and occasional brush rabbit, apparently), for what am I grateful?
Here it is:
On facebook recently, there was a discussion in another community, the "Mothering" one I think, and somehow, I ended up mentioning how our family works. Some people freaked out a bit. One asked why Casey and I had even bothered getting married if we're not going to be monogamous.
But a few people congratulated us, and one messaged me backchannel to say that she was part of a local queer-parenting group and that any one or two or three of us parents, and our child, were always welcome there. It was just so friendly and nice and accepting.
My niece, who is older than Audrey, told me that she simply didn't understand polyamory or what we're doing. But family's family, so she'll accept who we are and she's made Audrey one of her own. On her Christmas card to us this year, she included Audrey's name with ours.
I got to meet Audrey's grandmother, finally, a week ago. Audrey's grandmother is precious to her, and vice versa. We wanted to reassure her that we are considering Audrey in all things in this project, that Audrey's rights and needs will be protected. Indeed, to the extent possible (which is really not at all legally, but which we want to try anyway), all grandparental needs will be at least considered, and observed to the extent we can. So now I feel like we've got the family blessings to the extent I really wanted them.
I want our child to grow up not in spite of family but in a large part because of it. Our family is special. Our families are special. If we are not constantly defending ourselves and our relationship choices and our family configuration, that leaves so much more time and energy to share our strengths and gifts and love. It leaves a lot less to recover from later, and much more to be grateful for.
I hope that, twenty years from now, we (including our child) can look back, realize the challenge we took on in creating this nuclear family, and realize that we have succeeded in a large part because of the love and support of our extended families of biology and adoption, and because of the broader community we've chosen.
I'm grateful beyond measure for all the love and support and encouragement you've given us so far. Thank you.
no subject
And kudos to the woman from the queer parenting group.
Lil Wiggler
I don't know you yet, but your Mother Mary and I have been friends since 1979. That was before CDs, DVDs, cell phones, flat screens, ear buds, X-box, electric cars and even the PC computer. We didn't have computers, we had paper and pencils. Mom Mary has been devoted to children for as long as I've known her. Your Mom tried for years to have you and couldn't. Then your Mom Audrey wanted to have you, for Mary and Casey and because she wanted you, of course ;). How lucky are you to have three loving parents!
Just between you and me, your Mom Mary, is crazy right now. She's getting ready for your arrival, and if you are going to wear all the clothes, diapers, costumes, shoes, onesys, hats, and everything else she has picked out, you'll be changing clothes twice a day until you're 15 1/2. ;) She is so excited she'll explode if she doesn't do something, so she's putting all her energy into preparing for you! :D 10 weeks and your sweet face will be here. I hope Mom Mary will put you down long enough to take a picture or two of you. Maybe Dad will set up a webcam so we all can see you. :)
I don't live in the Bay Area where you will be born. I welcome you to come to my house, or even the Sierra Nevada mountains and I'd love to be your great Aunt or step Grandma, and I teach you to ski, or take you out into the desert to kick rocks or explore bat caves. I can't wait for you either. I'm sure I'll have to get in line, there are so many people who want to be with you and you're not even here yet!
You are a very very lucky boy. The love and support of your family is thick. I hope you aren't shy, your going to have heaps and piles of friends, family, extended family, community, neighbors...
Welcome Son, you are a child of deep, intense love.
I love you, your Moms and your Dad. I'm not the only one.
Ruth
Re: Lil Wiggler
Thanks for your kind words. I shall save these for him.
no subject
Hee. Yay, productive neglect!
I think what you guys are doing is awesome and I envy you for having three adults to take care of the little bugger. The more outnumbered it is the better, I suspect!
no subject
I hope that Jeff (and T.R.) and I get so lucky as to find some arrangement that will work as well for us as it sounds like your parenting arrangement will work for the three of you.
Bless the baby, bless the parents. Thanks for keeping your musings public.
no subject